It’s time for a little tough love!
I’m suffering from “But, maybe” fatigue. That is, I’m tired of hearing the clients I work with say phrases like “…but maybe he took my number down wrong,” “…but maybe he’s just playing it cool,” “…but maybe he’s just so busy with work”. ENOUGH! It’s time we learn how to read the signs and stop pretending.
If you find yourself uttering “But, maybe,” or anything that sounds similar, it’s likely you are making excuses for someone who just isn’t interested you. When you do this you implicitly give them permission to treat you poorly and you demean your own self-worth.
I still hear you whimpering, “But, maybe she’s wrong.”
Trust me, I have seen these kinds of waffling excuses more times than I like to admit. A man or a woman who is interested in pursuing a relationship with you will find a way to reconnect, even if it takes time or going on to the Moon. But this isn’t necessary, as we know, because the internet helps us to find pretty much anyone.
There’s no rocket science here, and I will not sugarcoat the facts. If you are “But maybe-ing”, it’s highly likely that your object of desire is one of two things:
- Taken; or,
- Just not that interested in you.
Scenario 1? Drink the lemonade and move on!
One of my life mantras is, “Do not unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you.” Translation: don’t get involved with someone who is already taken. It’s not cool. If he or she truly respects you, they will do the right thing and end their current relationship before starting anything new.
Don’t forget that what goes around also comes around. Karma will always come back to bite you in other ass-pects of your life. The end result will likely be someone else eventually doing the same to you; maybe a younger, newer version. Don’t ever ass-ume your situation is unique and that you won’t suffer the same ass-ault. They’ll be no way to ass-auge your guilt so why do something that’s ass-inine.
And if it’s scenario 2? Stop wasting your time and making excuses.
Stop making excuses if you don’t hear back from someone who said they would call and hasn’t.
Here are a few things to watch out for:
- You have been dating for a while now, but your dates only take place at his house and never on a Friday or Saturday evening; and,
- He still hasn’t introduced you to his family or friends, despite the barrage of hints you’ve been dropping. If there’s always an excuse, the cold hard truth is that he probably doesn’t see this as a serious relationship.
The solution here is to simply let it go. Give this relationship some space. Maybe he’s become accustomed to you following him around like a needy puppy and maniacally texting him unanswered monologues because you want to be there for him.
What if, out of the blue, you were to just go silent? What if you woke up and realized it was time to start enjoying your life – a passionate life with a bright future that welcomed new people to nourish your soul?
No one wants a needy partner who doesn’t have a life outside of their relationship. It’s off-putting as we British say. Most people want to find an independent, fun-loving, interesting, life-embracing individual so why assume he or she wouldn’t want you to be this too?
Creating space between the two of you affords an opportunity for you to be missed. Maybe your love interest will wonder what you are doing and think twice, not having experienced this uncertainty before. Sometimes the threat of losing someone creates a greater sense of value and makes you a more desirable partner.
What the worst thing that can happen? He or she won’t make the effort you want and now you’re made some much-needed changes in your life. You’ve surrounded yourself with a positive supportive network of people, you’ve had time to reconsider new opportunities for dating and maybe you’ve even established some new dreams.
When you put yourself first, you’ll be stronger, wiser, and better equipped to see dating options with greater clarity. It will also be easier to move on.
So take a deep breath and exhale all the way out.
You may want a checklist for coping with rejection. No one likes to feel unwanted and this can damage your psyche. It can trigger self-deprecation which tempts us to wallow in a pool of self-pity and nitpicking our perceived faults.
It’s natural to grieve the loss of someone but it’s important to focus our energy on accepting change. Build up your confidence to be able to receive what’s ahead of us with fortitude.The checklist includes:
- Discover your true passions. What do you love to do? What inspires and uplifts you? Sports, arts, music, academic pursuits, crafts? Explore, embrace and immerse yourself in your passions.
- Expand your social circle. It’s refreshing to make new friends who don’t know about your past drama. It’s therapeutic to connect with a supportive sisterhood but don’t go telling them melancholy tales of romantic woe. It will only slow down the healing process. Join clubs, go to classes, mingle with an open mind. Try a yoga class; perhaps you’ll make new friends whilst rectifying your body-mind-spirit alignment.
- If finances permit, travel, even if it’s a short break. Escaping your current environment means physically moving away from old habits and the urge to check your phone messages. You can also move away from stubborn feelings of resentment you may be holding on to and explore the bigger world.
Immersing yourself in another culture and exploring how people live in other parts of the world will help you to gain perspective. It might also help you to understand that if your biggest problem is waiting for a call from “but maybe”, YOU ARE ONE LUCKY LADY !